Down the Rabbit Hole...

It's a feeling that I've had before. It is a combination of deja vu, and uncertainty. It is not the uncertainty of what will happen in the immediate future, but the uncertainty of change of the winds of my life. I am surrounded of memories of the season, a cold wind on autumn air, and I am surrounded by memories of friends leaving me behind to go on the adventures of their lives and my leaving them to go on the adventures of mine.

It is with a great difficulty that I lift long roots from the deep crevices of the Earth and move the trunk that is the life I've built. When I left for China, I was ready for this move. I was free of attachment and I was ready to be free. I had friends who thought that I would not return from that trip. They thought that I would go and keep going. I was ready to if chance brought me down that path.

This time it is different. Out of the very solid advice to stay clear of attachment I found that I had no choice. I found that attachment is not something of conscious mind, but of a deeper force. Certainly one can avoid situations likely to seed attachment, and for the record, I did, but again in chance attachment is not a choice, but a calling. When a path reveals itself, it is your choice to walk down it, or to not.

This path is of my choosing and no one else's, so in my pain of the slow breaking of bonds between the Earth and my roots I have the satisfaction of knowing that of all the paths, this is my path. Of all choices before me, it is every single choice that I have ever made that has let me to this junction. And as I sit with this plane before me full of new adventures, a certain increase in pain, and definite feelings of loss, I know that this is my choice once more.

I could get on that plane in a few hours, or, I could not.

Some paths, like attachment, are not a choice, but a calling instead. The life I lead are steps down that path. I get as close as I can to the path of calling over choice, for it gives me a feeling of certainty. It is like a great hand rests on my shoulder as I walk that path, and it tells me that it will be alright. It feels like every step down that path of calling is one step closer to a certain end destiny.

If there is purpose in this life, and if I have a role to play, I will certainly do my best to play it. Perhaps there is no purpose, and this path of calling is just another choice, but one that reassures my heart, and my mind. So what? Purpose or not, the most utility lies in pursuing this path.

I have pursued this path for a long time. It has brought me happiness, it has brought me wealth, and it has brought me great devastation. But out of the devastation I always find the warming catharsis of the next steps down this road to my happiness.

I chose the calling in attachment.

I will also choose the calling in the path I have laid before me. A plane awaits me, and I will be on it.

Just another step, on the path of my life.

Tomorrow, I land on solid soil and drive my roots deep; back into the Earth.